My thoughts of the past and present
by krtiger689
Summary: Dylan's Thoughts of just what happened between him and Marco. PLease R&R.
1. Marco

Disclaimer- I do not own any of the characters they are property of the creators of Degrassi. What an awesome show.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Marco's POV**

A fresh start. A new day. That's just what everybody keeps telling me. It's been exactly three days from this moment since I broke up with him. Since I broke up with Dylan. I can't stop the tears from my eyes like I can't stop my heart from breaking. The thing is he already had broken it before I even told him it was over. He had broken it once he said that he wanted to open the relationship.

That hurt more than words can say. He said he loved me but how could he do that if he did love me. Shouldn't I have been enough to keep him from wanting to experiment with others? The only thing I can keep thinking is how could he do this to me? If he loved me then how could he want others and me at the same time? It just doesn't make any sense. Everybody's worried but what am I to do. I'm lost in this world when just a few days ago I knew where I was and where I was going.

I was going to give up anything to be with him but then he does this. He didn't know that I was trying to get as many credits over the summer as possible so then I would only have to go to school for one semester so I could be with him. I wanted it to be a surprise. I'm the one that got the surprise when I walked into his dorm room only three days ago. I saw him with another guy who I found out later was Eric. Who was in his psych class.

He had the nerve to say that he just wanted to open the relationship up but not brake up. Like I said before why would he need someone else if he had me? I just don't get it. It just doesn't make any sense. He was my one and only. My first in many ways like he was my first crush, my first boyfriend, he was the first to be with me. He was the one that I thought I could be with for the rest of my life. It's been only three days and I wish that it never happened. That I could just go back and change it to where I never knew that he did this. To never know what he had been doing on his off hours at the dorm.

I just think that maybe I was better off never meeting him or never actually going on that date with him but then I go back and wish I could have it all back. Just to have it back to where we were happy just it being us. Just the two of us. I wish it could go back but then I'm the one that broke it off in the first place so it was my choice. I wouldn't be able to handle the fact that he had to experiment with others just so he could have the full college lifestyle that he thinks is just the best.

I don't think he realizes just how much it hurt to hear him say he wanted to open the relationship. It made me feel worthless and not worth living. I actually wanted to stop living after the brake up. What was I to do? I just couldn't do that to everybody. To my parents, my friends, and especially to Ellie because she just has had too many people disappoint her to leave her in the world without a warning. She deserves one person to be a constant and I just happen to be that person.

She is really the only one that is keeping me going. The only one that is there for me when I need someone. It's hard because of who Dylan was. Ellie is really the only one that really can help me in this time. I understand that all my friends are worried about me but I am okay considering the circumstances. It seems that just three days ago everything was perfect. But I realized that nothing is perfect or if it is or close to it something goes and makes sure that it gets ruined before it can truly be felt.

I turn on the radio and it seems this one song is haunting me. It's hitting way to close to home. The song "Promises" by Adema.

_I went outside to take a walk_

_so I could relive memories_

_I thought that you would lend a hand_

_but you were never ever there_

_it's all in your mind_

_you do what you wanna do_

_your promises are all played out_

_you've got your wish_

_you've worn me down_

_I've treated you the best I could_

_I realize that I don't need you_

_I lost my way when you left home_

_I thought that you could change your life_

_what did I do? why do you lie?_

_you've walked back in, my hands are tied_

_it's all in your mind_

_you do what you wanna do_

_your promises are all played out_

_you've got your wish_

_you've worn me down_

_I've treated you the best I could_

_I realize that I don't need you_

_it's all in your mind_

_you do what you want to do_

_it's all in your mind_

_you do what you want to me_

_I'm tired, I'm so damn angry with you_

_you're not gonna change_

_I see who you really are_

_your promises are all played out_

_you've got your wish_

_you've worn me down_

_I've treated you the best I could_

_I realize that I don't need you_

_your promises _

_your promises_

_your promises _

_they're all played out_

_you're so played out_

_you're so played out_

_you're so played out_

_they're all played out_

It reminds me of all the things that he had promised me but like the song says they are all played out. Almost the whole song fits our relationship. It's like as soon he let for the University I just got lost. Like I didn't know how everything was going to work but I was taking everything one day at a time.

The other thing is that it just seemed that he wanted me to change, to be something that I'm not, to be the perfect person. It just seemed that he just didn't see that I couldn't be what he wanted me to be that I couldn't be the person that he wanted me to be. It's only been three days but it seems longer. They have been the worst three days of my life. It's been three days of wondering what the point of living is. It's been three days but feels like a life time.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's note- I know it's repetitive in some places but I thought it would be perfect for this story. This is the first story that I have written so reviews would be nice. Any type of review is welcome as long as it is constructive. It lets me know what I need to work on if there is another story. Thanks for reading

Kait


	2. Dylan

**Dylan's POV**

Wow I never thought that it would go that badly. It never was supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be able to have him and others. He was supposed to understand. The thing is that nothing ever goes the way it was supposed.

He wasn't supposed to find out like that. I was supposed to tell him. That didn't happen. I wish it did cuz the hurt that I saw in his eyes will forever be imprinted in my brain. Never in my life have I ever cared for someone the way I did for Marco. It was my mistake but it didn't seem like it was a mistake at the time. It seemed right for some reason.

What have I done? How could I be so selfish? At the time I didn't see it but now I do. I if could go back I would. This is just killing me inside. I let him down and I know this. I didn't realize this until it was too late but what do you expect of me. Well probably a lot more than what you've seen. So much has happened in such a short time and it's just all bad.

I had really one thing that was good for me and I lost it. It was more like I lost him. I miss him. I miss Marco. It's the only thing that I seem to be good at right? I can ruin a really good relationship in a day. I know I hurt him. I saw it in his eyes. Those eyes held so much of what he was feeling. Those eyes will forever be in my mind just haunting me of what I did to him.

That day I wasn't expecting him and all I really wanted was to just see what I was missing from the college experience without being tied down to just one person. Well now I can do all the exploring I want cuz the one person that I said I loved left me cuz I was selfish. Yea I know I already said that but I am. How could I do that and not be selfish?

I try to forget him I really do but it just doesn't work. All I keep seeing is the pain in his eyes when he opened that door. I see the way that this affected him. I saw the tears in his eyes when he told me he couldn't be with me if I wanted to open the relationship. It almost killed me to see him like that but then I see that I'm the one that made him like that.

I look back to the previous year when we first went out. That was a disaster. The worst part of the whole date was when his parents saw us and wanted us to go to dinner with them. I thought that the bee thing was cute. I mean it was the first time I ever saw someone act like that when they saw a bee. He was so cute when he was flailing his arms around to keep the bee away was just priceless. It's a night that I would never ever want to erase from my memory.

It was worth everything that went on and plus I did get a kiss out of it the next day. Ok more like he got the kiss but I like to think of it as we both got a kiss that morning. He was just the most adorable thing in the world. I know really pathetic huh but I don't care. I shouldn't be like this. This is just the consequences for my actions. It just wasn't supposed to be like this. I know I just keep repeating myself but I can't help it. I just can't get over the fact that I just ruined something that meant so much to me just so I can be like my roommates. So I could be just like everyone else. In a way I cheated on him and never would have thought I would do that.

Well once college comes everything you expect changes. My life sure has changed and that change was not a good one. It was one that I could have lived without. I can't go back and change it now. It's in the past and the past can't be changed but we learn from the past. We learn not to make the same mistake or mistakes again that we made from the past.

I wasn't willing to give him everything even though it felt like I did give him everything. It didn't seem like I was giving him enough. It seemed that he didn't give me enough to make it through or maybe I just wasn't paying attention. I pushed him to do something that is not easy to do. It could have changed his life with his parents and I pushed him to do it. I know that only his mother knows about him but I still pushed him. That is not something I should have pushed on him to do. It just doesn't work like that. I am the worse person in the world.

I wanted him to be the one thing that was constant in my life but he isn't and I don't blame him. Well ok that's a lie on some levels cuz I do blame him for not being my constant thing in life but then I go back and think about as in really think about and I realize that it is my fault. But then most of the pressure on him was because of me. Some of it was for the good and it helped him but some of it just ruined him and I saw it. I saw him being ripped apart from the inside and that was because I just had to have him be perfect in my eyes but I didn't understand that he already was perfect the way he was.

He was the best person I knew and I just threw it all away on some flings that will never last. I threw it away just so I could have my freedom. I threw it away cuz maybe just maybe I was scared of our relationship. I think I threw it away because I just wanted something that I already had but just didn't know it.

So I sit in my room and think of all the dates that we had. All the experiences that we went through together to get where we are this moment. I think about all the pain I caused him and then just imagine what he's going through but the thing is that I don't have to imagine cuz I know the pain that he's feeling. The reason I know the pain he's feeling is because I feel it. The only thing that I really feel right now is brokenhearted but that's my own fault. So I sit here and think about all the times past just to pass the time away cuz it feels that it will never bring on another day.


End file.
